Day by Day

Things are getting better at home. My troubled daughter has come around and seems to be finding herself, pulling herself out of the mess that she created and standing on her own. She straightened out her grades, cut contact with some very poor influences in her life, and has made a solid effort at home to be part of our family activities and chores. I am very proud of her. I have been trying so hard to be supportive of her, to stand behind her and let her make her choices but to be there when she needs guidance. She is learning to talk to me. I am learning to listen. Even though some of her fears don’t make sense to me I am learning to respect that they are very real to her and they need to be addressed. Our relationship has improved. The relationship between her and her twin has improved, although two sixteen year old girls in the same household are never going to see eye to eye, I think it is better.  I still hear lots of yelling about clothes, shoes, and there are a lot of “MOM!!!!’s” trailing up the stairs, but things are better. I am thankful that she has found her way, and thankful that I have been there for her throughout, letting her know that no matter what happens, no matter what mistakes are made, that I will always love her and be there for her, even when I am angry.

Her twin is fighting her own battles right now. She is torn between being an adolescent and a woman. Her body has developed. She is a beautiful girl and people are starting to notice. She has a boyfriend, but he is insecure with her and tells her little lies to impress her, sometimes big lies. I have explained to her that a person that lies about things that don’t matter will never be truthful when it comes to something important. She knows this. She has lost her trust in him but still cares for him deeply. I feel her pain. There is nothing I can do but let it run it’s course and let her find her own way. She is a smart girl. She will figure it out. I will be here for her when he lets her down, and I will be here when she stands up for herself and tells him goodbye. I will also be here for her when she spends her time crying tears over the loss of a teenage love. I remember those days, I feel her pain and indecision. He wants to step forward in their relationship, she is not ready. She is standing her ground and I am proud of her.

Me…. I am okay. I am feeling blessed. My son has been fairly healthy. We have been working and playing outside, painting, landscaping, playing in the mud and running through the sprinklers..things that the girls and I rarely did together growing up. I now realize that you truly need to “dance in the rain” before the rain stops – before your little one thinks dancing in the rain is silly and would rather hang out with friends. I am determined to let my last child play in the mud, help paint the house, dig holes in the yard, jump in the lake and do all of those messy things that perfect parents just don’t let their kids do. There are rules, of course, but why not? Why not let him get all muddy? Why not let him paint the birdhouse whatever color he wants? Why not?

My girls need guidance, they need their mom right now. My little man needs his Mommy to read him stories and give him love, cuddles and to watch him grow into a fine young man, a young man that doesn’t follow in his father’s addictive footsteps. He needs careful guidance so he can learn to make the right choices.

Love? I think love has passed through my life and gone. I don’t think that I will find it again. I wish I could. I wish it was out there for me. I am not pursuing anything and the odds of meeting someone in my life focused on my children and school are slim. I don’t really mind. I am independent. I rarely ask for help and when I do I don’t ask twice. Usually that means that I end up doing it myself. In the last month I have done a lot of things for the first time, such as change the battery in the lawn mower, learn how to use a voltage meter to find the short in the wiring of my lawn mower, patch holes in the wall, sand down my cupboards to make them look new again before refinishing, rewire the wiring for the air conditioner so that we didn’t melt in our own home, and etc etc. These things may not be a huge accomplishment for some people, but I am not that mechanical and I don’t have money to spend on a repairman… so I learn by myself. I teach my daughters as I learn. These are things that people should know how to do. There is no sense in being completely reliant on someone else to fix things.

Yet, I honestly do sometimes wish there was someone there with us to actually do these things for me. Sometimes I get very tired of being the strong independent single parent, especially when I get frustrated when I am trying to make something work and feel so helpless. Sometimes I wish there was someone else to run get the kids, or maybe make dinner, or even mow the yard. But, there isn’t, and no matter how much I long for those little things that a person takes for granted in a relationship, I am not seeking love. Maybe someday I will get lucky and it will find me. Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently.

Peace. I can feel it ahead. I am happy for that. I am blessed with a beautiful family, and for that I am very thankful.

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How many times will I let him break my heart?

I guess the title of this entry says it all. How many times will I allow him to break my heart? How many times will I allow him to walk into my life and then walk out again without consequence? I don’t mean that I should be carrying out some sort of justice for him, the consequences for his actions will catch up with him sooner or later…. I mean, how many times will I answer his “hello” or his “I miss you” before my brain overrides the stupidity of my heart and I ignore him. 

He was here again, may still be here for all I know. With his father. He sent me a message on my birthday saying he was on his way, that he had planned it around my birthday, even though he was a day off. Romantic that I am, I knew he was lying, but I let it rest. He told me how much he missed me, how much he couldn’t wait to see me… to hug me, hold me, love me. My heart tripled it’s pace in anticipation, while my brain screamed and kicked and jumped up and down in a full out tantrum.

I heard from him for a few days, off and on, telling me how his ex wouldn’t let him see his son because he hadn’t notified her far enough in advance that he was back in the state for a few weeks, complaining on how hard life was on him. It upset me, although I didn’t say it. You see, he dug his own hole there.  His ex is an awful woman, evil to the core, but he chose to leave. He left his son behind and deep down I know that he was aware that he would lose his son in the process. He fought, a little, but he could have done more. He just…. gave up. Just like he does on everything else. The moment something becomes difficult he begins searching on the other side of the fence for something that is easier. When he thinks he has found it he is out the door and gone……. until things get difficult there…. then he looks again, sometimes backwards, sometimes forwards.

I know this of him. I know he is unfaithful. I know he lies. I know he cheats over and over again. I know he has the ability and charm within him to make me get down on my knees and…. no, not that you pervert…. get down on my knees and beg for him to stay. I know he can make my heart do a double back flip and land a perfect 10 right into his arms with just a smile and a few words. I know all of this of him and yet when he calls, I can’t ignore him. When he messages me at 3 a.m. I can’t ignore the sound. My strength is growing, I guess… I have made it a full week without sending him a message. Of course, that was only after he made arrangements to come see us, stay the night and then didn’t follow through with it. We haven’t spoken since. I guess something came up. Maybe he has gone back home to Montana again. 

She thinks he’s perfect. She thinks he is being honest and faithful. She still believes his lies. Only because she is far away, safely tucked into a world that he hasn’t yet left a trail through. She thinks she knows him but still has so much to learn. I hate her because she has him, yet I pity her for the pain that will eventually come. I don’t think anyone deserves the hurt that he leaves when he waltzes out of your life without a word. She may think it is eternal but he has already proven that his love for her is only skin deep, that he will not be and has not been faithful to her.

Where does she thinks he has gone on those lonely nights when he his here and she calls and can’t reach him? Does she believe his lies, that he is too tired, or his phone didn’t work? Maybe for now. I know I used to believe them, until eventually it hurt too bad to think about it and I just let him lie. Sooner or later someone will tell her. I honestly hope they do, before she gets in too deep. It won’t be me. I may want to lash out at her for stealing him away while we were dating and making arrangements to move in with me.  I hate how she has her relationship date set up two months before he actually left me…. but deep down I know that SHE probably didn’t know, that SHE didn’t realize that he was already in a relationship….and that is why I don’t approach her. The fault is probably not hers. I am not vindictive. I don’t even want him back. I just think that if I were her, I would want to know. Sometimes I think about sending her an anonymous message, so that it doesn’t come from what she will just consider a jealous ex and blow it off. Then I think of how it would appear and I can’t bring myself to do it.

The question is….. should she know? Should someone tell her? If it were me I would want to know. 

As for me, and my heart, I am doing better. I am learning to shield myself from him. Even if the temptation is there, if I want to run to him, I have been able to gloss over the hurt and the lies with skepticism and doubt from the beginning. I know now, that there will never be trust between us. I know now that being his friend would be impossible if he lived near. I know now that I can’t let myself believe in him. It is easier when I don’t hear from him. The days go by more smoothly. I still think of him often, but every once in awhile I come across a day that I look back and realize that I hadn’t thought of him at all. So, if I am having one day, that means it will turn into one week, then maybe two. I find that on those rare days I don’t hurt as much. When I do think of him the emotions start to fly and my heart begins to ache and the tears will inadvertently find their way out. I wish I had more control over it. I wish that I hadn’t truly loved him as much as I did…. because the hurt should be gone by now.

So, how many times will I let him break my heart? No more. It is done. My heart is my own and even if I long for him and miss him so much… even if I find myself crying in the middle of the night missing him…. I won’t allow him in again. My heart needs to rebuild. He keeps trying to maintain a relationship. He gets jealous if I have a date. He gets angry and even though he tells me he knows I can do what I want and its his own fault……… he tries to maintain a degree of control, that I will be here with open arms each time he comes back home without her. I can’t be that woman. Never again.