Insomnia

I am tired. I need sleep. I want to close my eyes and detach the wiring that makes my brain start to spin on nights like this. I lay here and think….. Then I think some more. I think about my girls and how wonderful they are doing.

I think of my Taylor and how she has changed, how she got almost all A’s on her report card for the first time in years and how I didn’t have to bother her at all about homework or studying all trimester. Not once. I think about her future, how her Computer Science teacher told her she was the at top of the class and he really wants her to take the Advanced class…. She laughed and told him “Maybe next year, but I really don’t think a cosmetologist needs the advanced class.” I can hear him thinking that she is wasting a talent…but he doesn’t know that Taylor has many talents and intelligence is only one of them.

I think of Madison and her return to high school two years after her injury. I look at her attendance and see that she has missed at least 15 days in the last month due to bad headaches. The school has accepted this and is being very accomodating. Yet, she also has almost all A’s. She works so hard. Once again I don’t have to pester her. Sometimes when she is hurting I have to remind her, but she is self sufficient. I worry that she is depressed. She says she isn’t. I had her in a “group” class at school but the childish para chased her away by being less mature than her students. I worry that the injections she is getting now will not work, I worry that there are fewer and fewer roads to take to help with her pain.

I look at Jacob, sleeping so quietly. He was recently very ill with scarlet fever (which I learned was basically strep with a rash) and is finally feeling better. He has been crabby lately, emotional. He had a couple of seizures (something more complex than an absence seizure but not much more) where he spaces out for 20-30 seconds. The EEG showed normal and if he continues to do this he will need to have a 3-4 day EEG to see if they can catch an actual seizure. He is emotional. He is tired too. I drive him to school and pick him up in order to allow him some extra time to sleep each day. I put him to bed early. I guess being five is hard. He needs a nap but refuses anything of the sort, even if I make him lay quietly. I guess the age of “resting” is gone. I would like a nap, haha.

I worry about money. I worry about Christmas gifts. I worry about the mortgage and how I only have a couple days left in this month to get it paid. I wonder how I am going to get caught up. I worry about student loans, property taxes and getting new tires for my vehicle and the for the girls. I worry about how I am going to send them to college. I worry about things that it does me no good to worry about all night long. I know it will work out. Somehow. I will make it work because I always have.

I start final exams tomorrow and am not looking forward to them. I have one semester left and I will have both of my degrees (three if you count the one I got when I actually went to college the first time) and will be job hunting nonstop until I can make use of what I have learned. My grades are holding well and my professors are pleased with my work. Let us hope future employers will find my resume impressive as well.

Back to the pillow for me. The house will be awake soon. Puppies will want to go outside, little boys will want bacon and eggs, teenage girls will need to go to work and computers will stare back at me while I trip though several over-coded diagnoses.

Sleep well world, those of you that can.

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