I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin and a friend. In my home I am also the father. I am a provider, protector, instructor, doctor, tutor, counselor, comforter, the voice of reason and the hand of discipline. I am the maid, taxi, and handyman. I am a college student, an employee, a coach and a cheerleader.
I am human. I make mistakes and I learn from them. I get angry and lose my temper. Sometimes I scream and sometimes I cry. Sometimes I get frustrated and walk away.
I am a woman. I am kind, honest and caring. I give all that I am and more than I have. I laugh when I should be crying and stand tall when I should be falling. I cry when I am happy or proud.
I have wants, desires and needs. I have hopes and dreams. I am an optimist; I am a romantic. I believe in happily ever after even if I haven’t found my fairy tale.
I am an artist, a poet, a writer and a dreamer. Sometimes I can be foolish and impulsive but never selfish.
Those that I love have my complete devotion. I believe in second but not unlimited chances and that people should be held accountable for their choices. I believe in forgiving but know that nothing can ever really be forgotten or undone.
I live in daily pain – physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have accepted that I will always hurt, but am thankful for the blessings that I have been given.
I am easily hurt by careless words or actions. I love deeply and without limits, completely and unconditionally. My children will always be first, and my family my priority.
This is who I am, and I don’t know who else to be.
MOMMY ON EDGE 
You seem to be a remarkable person, those you love are fortunate to have you in their lives.
Thank you for visiting my page.
All the best,
Rick
Thank you for returning the favor. I have enjoyed strolling through your blog as well.
I am not remarkable, I do what I need to do with the hand that I was dealt, and just because it wasn’t the hand I asked for, I certainly wouldn’t change a thing because my life is blessed in many ways.
Take care!
Dawn
Well, that sounds remarkable to me…
Caute,
Rick
P.S. Spinoza chose the Latin word “caute” (be cautious), inscribed beneath a rose, itself a symbol of secrecy, as his device. “For, having chosen to write in a language that was so widely intelligible, he was compelled to hide what he had written.
My good friend Christopher Hitchens would sign of with “Caute,” meaning, go with care, as did you, my new friend.
I love that. The written word is truly remarkable, you can say so much without those that you know being able to find the depth in it, and those that know you can understand so easily. Thank you for sharing this with me.
The pleasure is truly mine.
Hi, Dawn.. Thank you for following my blog. I just want to interject right here and tell you that I agree with Richard. You *are* remarkable, but you just don’t see *yourself* that way because you are doing what you need to do to live. It’s also wonderful that you can recognize that what you have been through has helped make you who you are. Many people lament on things they lost or left behind, choices they regret, etc., to the point the wish they could just change this one thing…
Continue being who you are. Remarkable you 🙂
Hi there, and thank you very much!!!! I do think that people live up to the hand they have been dealt. Instead of living in what might have been, you might as well live with what you have been “blessed” with, because no amount of travelling into the past is going to change it…. and if you could, would you? I would not. Thank you so much for stopping by and I look forward to getting to know you and your blog. 😀
I have to be honest… In the beginning, in the weeks after I first left my abuser, I wished I could have changed it. It was only through healing and coming to terms that all the garbage he beat into my head was just that… garbage. And despite everything he did and the hideous things he made me believe about myself, I know I am strong, willful, valuable, and worthy.
Now I wouldn’t dare try to change any of it. It has made me who I am, and despite my flaws, I think I am a kind, generous, loving, intelligent woman who learned a lot from it. He showed me all things I’m not, all that I am worth, and that, despite the worst of circumstances, I can rise above and succeed.
And he doesn’t have the power to stop me.
I think you hear enough awful things and you start to believe it…. and it is so much easier to believe the bad things that people say about you. It makes you wonder if the abuser is actually taking pleasure in your pain or if they are just so miserable with who they are that they feel the need to make you into something worse. A close friend finally sat me down one day and told me that he was sick of hearing me say “I’m sorry” to everything, even when I had no fault in it. He told me that “the girl” he knew before would never be so submissive and accepting and that in his eyes it only happens for one reason. It took some time, and some pushing from friends, but eventually (not always, because I still catch myself) to stop apologizing for things that weren’t my fault.
I like your take on this. You really do become who you are because of life experiences, good or bad. Thank you for sharing this with me. One of the reasons that I have started blogging is because I need to talk. I need to get things out and journaling has always helped me…. plus I have some adult interaction. I love my children, but sometimes I crave adult conversation, humor, etc…. Sometimes being a single parent, man or woman, can be lonely. You often can’t afford to go a lot of places, and what you do have you spend on what your children need so there isn’t left over funds for spending…but it’s okay, because it is worth it. Two parent households often don’t include you in things because you are kind of the third wheel and there is nobody for their spouse to hang out with when you do things. Don’t get me wrong, I have some great friends, but it is just a fact of life.
Blogging is giving me an opportunity to meet new people and just…. talk…… through my keyboard.
I think my abuser berated me and spoke to me like I was garbage because he believed he was better than I was, he believed he was smarter, and he believed it was his right… on top of feeling all kinds of negative about himself. He was never content unless he was angry. If things were going well, he had to create a reason to be angry. He made everything impossible. If I did something “wrong,” he corrected me, punished me, and when it did come up again, I made sure to do it to the letter… and then he would decide because I did it that way, it should have been the other way.
He had a habit of twisting things to make me appear wrong. Sometimes I said I was sorry because I legitimately was. Who wants to upset someone or hurt them when it could have been avoided? I don’t go out trying to cause harm to people.. Sometimes I said I was sorry because he made me think I should have been, even if I really had no fault. Sometimes I said I was sorry because I was fearful of what would happen if I didn’t agree that I was wrong, thinking I could avoid the punishment he always gave me no matter what. It became habit. If a pan slipped out of my hands when I was doing dishes. If I dropped something. If he said I took too long to do laundry. Or I did things in the wrong order. If I was cleaning and he wanted to watch a movie. It got to the point that I was so confused, I didn’t know what to be sorry for, so I said. Every time. No matter what.
I still do that! Not all the time, but every so often I hear it come out and I just want to scream.
Blogging has been a great way for me to get things out. While I don’t have children to care for, I still like being able to come here and …
Not be silent. 🙂
I think there is an extra attraction in it, because we all understand each other. There are no judgments, no criticisms, no rejection… We just support and encourage each other, and help each other heal.
It all sounds all too familiar. I have been alone for awhile now, I tried dating about two years after I left, and it didn’t go so well. The new man was a great when we were together but had wandering eyes and in the end I was left feeling even worse about myself than I did before. It made me wonder what I was doing or not doing that made me so easy to discard, which is the WRONG way to look at it, and I am well aware of it… When he was with me he was amazing and made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. Unfortunately, it was only a feeling…a small taste of what I have always wanted… He was a million times more wonderful than the man that I had left two years prior, but it hurts so much more to lose him…. I think it had to have been the “idea” of what I thought we had together….
Since then I have just been on my own with the kids and seem to be doing pretty good. I miss the one that ran off, but it may still just be the “idea” of him, if that makes sense. When I see him my heart goes into practically flips, so I really have to watch myself around him…..I don’t miss the hurt, I miss the times when he made me feel like I really did make a difference. He spent so much time telling me how wonderful I am, and we made it about a year. The rest of the time, well, lets just say my self-esteem is much better when I DON’T think about him too much. Some day I will find my decent mix of family man/friend that wants to share their life with me, until then, well… I am not bothering to look.
After what you already went through, it would be hard not to take it personally. I don’t know anyone, including myself, who wouldn’t. You cannot tie your value and sense of self-worth to a man. Before you are ready to be with someone, you really need to work on getting all that reconciled in your own mind and somehow work through all the garbage that was put there. We are all imperfect, flawed, and we all have strengths and weaknesses. However, you were not the broken one. The one who stole your sense of value is the one who was broken. And now you are emotionally suffering for the damage he inflicted upon you. With time it will get better. I know the times when you are lonely and long for companionship of an adult, that isn’t much comfort.
When you are around the last one and you catch yourself missing the times he spent making you feel better, remind yourself you are apart for a reason. That you deserve to be treated that way all the time, not when he feels like it! You *are* worth that. When the right one comes along, you will know. There will be no conflict within you about it. Until then, keep on focusing on you and the kids and making your lives stable, healthy, and hopeful. The rest will come.
You are very correct, and thus, I have no interest in developing a relationship at all at this point. I just watch myself carefully around the one that ran off with my heart and remind myself that no matter how much charm he is sending in my direction that it will always end the same and I don’t want that and I certainly don’t want that for my children. I want them to feel solid in their life and with the people in it. I think I have dated a grand total of 6 men in my 38 years.. all of them long term (and that counts my high school sweetheart, haha) so it’s not like I put myself out there. A lot of men don’t appreciate my independence, but I don’t care. I need to be able to know at all times that I CAN do this on my own. I learned this when I divorced my husband, that it seemed like the whole world split and it was scary being on my own. I don’t want to experience that again. When the right person comes along he will understand and respect that about me and perhaps I won’t feel the need to always be prepared for the bottom to fall out…. and maybe it won’t. For now, yes, it is just focusing on being a good mom, finishing college (again), and making the best out of what we have. Honestly, the kids and I are pretty happy. We have our system which sometimes completely falls apart but for the most part we do pretty good.
I agree. You are a remarkable woman. Pat yourself on the back ’cause I can’t reach. 🙂
Thank you for the Follow. 😀
Consider it done, and thank you for the follow as well.
🙂
Hi Dawn, thanks for introducing yourself by following our site. We look forward to exploring yours. Not to sound like we’re just joining the bandwagon, but you seem to be balancing a challenging situation remarkably well, so take the compliments and continue with your work!
We also invite you to visit the RAXA Collective facebook page for some additional inspiration. See you there!
Thank you for stopping in! It’s not so much a balancing act as it is a juggling act with two or three too many balls in the air, but somehow we all make it to the end of each day and can laugh about our adventures. I do enjoy exploring your page as well.
Have a wonderful day!
Dawn
thank you for visiting and following my blog!
Thank you as well!
Wow, great page! I really like the way it’s written. Also ready your About Me… ah, another single mother. I have been on my own with my one-and-only beautiful 15-yr-old since before she was born. That list of things you are at the top of this page? I know how that feels, exactly! But you have other challenges with your kids that I don’t, so I guess I can’t say exactly. Keep up the awesome job! Thanks for checking out my blog and the follow… I look forward to reading a bit more–
xLaura
Hi there! So nice to meet you! Thanks for stopping in and checking it out. 😀
Single moms, we have to stick together, that’s for sure. Fifteen is definitely an interesting age for girls. They keep me hopping and that the same time I see them maturing into young adults and honestly, I miss them already. I think it’s all the same, when you are on your own as a parent you do the best that you can for your kids, so we are all in the same boat whether we have one kid or three. 😀
I look forward to spending some time on your blog as well.
Have a great day!!!
Dawn
Thanks so much for following the Jenn stories!
You’re welcome. And THANK YOU for your visit. 😀
You’re welcome, too! 🙂
Your writing is powerful and your heart is strong.
AnElephant is happy to meet you, and wishes you a better day than yesterday.
And a better tomorrow, when your soul finds its joy.
Thank you. I am happy to meet you as well.
You are living a hard life and those around you are blessed to have you in it. Your children are blessed as much as you are to have each other. I was raised by a single mom and I married a woman with chronic pain/illness. My heart goes out to you and I look forward to getting to know you. You are lovely and a beautiful spirit and source of gorgeous light. Thank you for being you!
It is very nice to meet you. I am very blessed to have my children to keep me sane and focused. They bring a smile to me during the darkest times. I admire you being there for your wife with chronic pain. It takes a strong person to understand and support. I look forward to getting to know you too.
You’ve been Nominated! Follow the link here:
http://letmereach.com/2014/02/08/im-not-featured-on-freshly-pressed-award/
Ha Sorry, I meant this link 🙂 I never cleared my clipboard!
Oh wow! Thanks so much!!!! I will check this out and see what I need to do. 😀